He said nothing

Johny: "1 minus 1?"

Teacher: "Yes. If you subtract one from one, what do you get?"

Johny: "One."

Teacher: "No, Johny, Try again."

Johny: "Two."

Teacher: "Ok, let's do it this way: if you have only one potato chip left in a frying pan and you take it out of the pan,...

Teacher: "Yes. If you subtract one from one, what do you get?"

Johny: "One."

Teacher: "No, Johny, Try again."

Johny: "Two."

Teacher: "Ok, let's do it this way: if you have only one potato chip left in a frying pan and you take it out of the pan,...

Let's see a show of hands.

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

I guess it won't make any difference.

What a morning...

I was following an ambulance when I noticed a small metal box sitting on the rear bumper. When the ambulance turned right the box flew off and landed on the side of the road against the curb.

I of course pulled over and snagged the box. When I opened the box there was a human...

I was following an ambulance when I noticed a small metal box sitting on the rear bumper. When the ambulance turned right the box flew off and landed on the side of the road against the curb.

I of course pulled over and snagged the box. When I opened the box there was a human...

trust me, I did the meth.

A lot of work for nothing.

Credit: My nine year old and his joke book.

Credit: My nine year old and his joke book.

Wait never mind that makes no cents.

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumbe...

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumbe...

When he is in the middle of the river, suddenly a loud voice out of nowhere asks: “plus two or minus two?”

The man decides that more is better than less and says : “plus two”.

At first it looks like nothing happened, but when he gets out of the water, he releases he now has 4 balls.

The man...

The man decides that more is better than less and says : “plus two”.

At first it looks like nothing happened, but when he gets out of the water, he releases he now has 4 balls.

The man...

You're welcome.

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says "sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here."

The man says, "No problem. I'm from Winnipeg."

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then ...

The man says, "No problem. I'm from Winnipeg."

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then ...

The bartender serves the multiplication sign first, then he serves the plus sign, and the minus sign from left to right and a bunch of people from Facebook don't know why.

... it’s going to be minus 45

It's 150 minus the number of rolls of toilet paper you have at home.

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

On the plus side, it still worked.

He said it has pluses and minuses...

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

Minus one

So the rapture happens and all the Canadians get sent to hell because they didn’t hold the door or say sorry enough and the devil sees them celebrating. Bothered by this he asks “you’rein hell why are you celebrating“ and the Canadians respond “it’s like minus thirty where we live this is awesome. A...

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

In Kent a business man was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Essex and I need some help. If I were to give you £20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take o...

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Essex and I need some help. If I were to give you £20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take o...

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

After bridge collapsed man decided to cross the river. While he cross something grabbed his balls and voice came out from underneath “ plus two or minus two?” Man had no idea what was going on and said “plus two”. After he passed he realized he has four balls now. When he was coming back he thought ...

One of them says, "You know, I was hunting at the South Pole once and I see a big seal right within range. So I aim carefully and I take the shot and kill it. After about half an hour of walking through the nastiest blizzard, I see the biggest walrus I had ever seen in my life. I don't even aim, I j...

Jim's friends take him to a bar he hadn't been to before then. It was like any other joint, minus the oddly cheap booze, and the group of people huddled in the corner.

Jim asks the bartender what they're doing, and he explains that they're having a "swing".

Jim and his friends venture...

Jim asks the bartender what they're doing, and he explains that they're having a "swing".

Jim and his friends venture...

“Johnny, if there are five birds on a wire and one gets shot how many are left?”

After thinking for a brief second Johnny responds “zero”

The teacher looks at him inquisitively and states. “Johnny, five minus one is four”

To which Johnny replies “yes but if you shoot one bird t...

After thinking for a brief second Johnny responds “zero”

The teacher looks at him inquisitively and states. “Johnny, five minus one is four”

To which Johnny replies “yes but if you shoot one bird t...

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

He takes off his pants so they don't get wet and starts to walk

He almost gets to the other side when a hand grabs him by the balls underwater and a voice says

"plus 2 or minus 2?"

The man thinks for a moment and says "plus 2"

When he gets ashore and looks down he sees th...

He almost gets to the other side when a hand grabs him by the balls underwater and a voice says

"plus 2 or minus 2?"

The man thinks for a moment and says "plus 2"

When he gets ashore and looks down he sees th...

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

He's chest-deep in the water and has already crossed a half of the swamp when suddenly something grabs him by the scrotum underwater. The guy stops dead, not knowing what to do. He hears a voice from underwater:

"Plus two or minus two?"

The guy thinks: "okay, I don't know what he's tal...

"Plus two or minus two?"

The guy thinks: "okay, I don't know what he's tal...

He walks up to the man and asks: "What's with the pony?"

"For a dollar the pony can do pretty much any trick you ask of it" the man replies.

"That's cool" the guy says and proceeds to take out his wallet, retrieve a dollar bill and puts it in the jar next to the pony.

He extends...

"For a dollar the pony can do pretty much any trick you ask of it" the man replies.

"That's cool" the guy says and proceeds to take out his wallet, retrieve a dollar bill and puts it in the jar next to the pony.

He extends...

The shortlist of applicants includes a mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and an accountant.

To begin each interview, the representative from HR poses a simple math problem to warm up the candidates. What is 45+18?

The mathematician immediately responds "63".

The physicist...

To begin each interview, the representative from HR poses a simple math problem to warm up the candidates. What is 45+18?

The mathematician immediately responds "63".

The physicist...

About as tall as the average person, minus two feet.

The host looks at his question card. "Okay, here is your first question: What is 7 plus 5?"

"Twelve", replied the rabbit.

"That's correct! Now for question 2: What is 56 minus 37?"

The rabbit thought for a moment. "Nineteen"

"That's correct! Okay, now here is your grand p...

"Twelve", replied the rabbit.

"That's correct! Now for question 2: What is 56 minus 37?"

The rabbit thought for a moment. "Nineteen"

"That's correct! Okay, now here is your grand p...

A business owner is interviewing to hire a bookkeeper, and in walks an attractive young lady. To make sure that she understands money and math, he asks her "If I were to give you ten thousand dollars, minus 15%, how much would you take off?"

She thinks a moment and answers "Everythin...

She thinks a moment and answers "Everythin...

He called a plumber. The plumber came on the next day, sealed a few screws and everything was working as before.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is one third of my monthly salary !" he yelled.

Well, a...

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is one third of my monthly salary !" he yelled.

Well, a...

1920x1080

"Hey man I just woke up in some desert and have no idea where I am! You gotta help me!"

I took a deep breath and said "Relax bud lets figure this out. Look around you what sort of things do you see?"

He told me it was pretty much all sand around him minus some rocks, mountains in the d...

I took a deep breath and said "Relax bud lets figure this out. Look around you what sort of things do you see?"

He told me it was pretty much all sand around him minus some rocks, mountains in the d...

In a desperate attempt, he crash-lands on an uncharted island and loses consciousness.

A day or so later, he awakens to find himself bound and being dragged by some native savages to their camp.

The natives are going wild at the spectacle, as he is left in the center of the camp next to a...

A day or so later, he awakens to find himself bound and being dragged by some native savages to their camp.

The natives are going wild at the spectacle, as he is left in the center of the camp next to a...

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

Two virgins had just had their wedding and needed to leave for their honeymoon trip immediately after the reception. The drive to the airport was a couple of hours and they were on a tight schedule to make the flight. As they were driving down this lonely stretch of highway they got to talking about...

Because Minus One and Zero Want To Free Four

A mummy was found in Egypt, and to determine its age and whatnot, three best forensic teams of the world decided to start a competition.

The CIA went first. They studied the mummy for a year, and then came up with a result: the person lived around 1000 years BC, plus or minus 200 years.

**... **

The CIA went first. They studied the mummy for a year, and then came up with a result: the person lived around 1000 years BC, plus or minus 200 years.

He immediately heads for the roulette table and slams it all down on red 34.

The roulette wheel spins... aaaaannnd.... black 26.

Just like that, he loses all of his money.

He walks over to the Casino Manager and begs him for an alternative method of payment so he can continue...

The roulette wheel spins... aaaaannnd.... black 26.

Just like that, he loses all of his money.

He walks over to the Casino Manager and begs him for an alternative method of payment so he can continue...

so he holds an all blond convention and randomly picks someone from the crowd. First he asks her what two plus two is. She answers seven, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!". So this time he asks her what ten minus four is. She answers thirteen, and the crowd yells, "Give her another ...

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

“Plus 2 or minus 2?” Said the monster

“Plus 2!” Said Bob, but when he got out of the water he discovered he now had 4 balls. Bob was pissed with having 4 balls, but he figured he’d find the monster and this time say “minus 2” and return to normal, so Bob goes for another swim. After swimming ...

“Plus 2!” Said Bob, but when he got out of the water he discovered he now had 4 balls. Bob was pissed with having 4 balls, but he figured he’d find the monster and this time say “minus 2” and return to normal, so Bob goes for another swim. After swimming ...

A T-minus

even the ATM shows minus.

minus one

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

The guy that has only one testicle was swimming in the pond and all of a sudden someone grabs him from his testicle. He looks down and sees a mermaid is holding his ball.

Then mermaid asks:

plus 1 or minus 1?

The shocked and scared guy says:

plus 1.

Tge mermaid lets him go and swim...

Then mermaid asks:

plus 1 or minus 1?

The shocked and scared guy says:

plus 1.

Tge mermaid lets him go and swim...

He approaches a group of gentleman and asks:

How much is 9 minus 3?

First guy answers: "Potato."

Nope. I'm afraid that is incorrect. Anybody else?

"Tuesday." Replies a second.

Wrong again.

"Six!" Answers a third.

Ah! Very good. Tell me how did you figure that out?

"Simp...

How much is 9 minus 3?

First guy answers: "Potato."

Nope. I'm afraid that is incorrect. Anybody else?

"Tuesday." Replies a second.

Wrong again.

"Six!" Answers a third.

Ah! Very good. Tell me how did you figure that out?

"Simp...

Tried every diet, yet nothing works. Later, while browsing he sees some ad, saying "Lose 20kg in an hour!". Being desperate, he gives that company a call, they reply, saying that they gonna come to his house tomorrow.

Tommorow comes, door bell rings, fat man opens the door only to see an ins...

Tommorow comes, door bell rings, fat man opens the door only to see an ins...

A teacher is having trouble getting one of her troublesome students to learn basic math so she tries a new tack.

She asks the kid, "If there are 3 crows on a telephone line and a farmer comes out and shoots one, how many are left?"

Troublesome kid says "none".

She replies "3 ...

She asks the kid, "If there are 3 crows on a telephone line and a farmer comes out and shoots one, how many are left?"

Troublesome kid says "none".

She replies "3 ...

Biology: squishy physics

Geology: slow physics

Computer Science: virtual physics

Psychology: people physics

Chemistry: impure physics

Math: physics minus the units

Geology: slow physics

Computer Science: virtual physics

Psychology: people physics

Chemistry: impure physics

Math: physics minus the units

but all my ideas were derivative

and the punchline didn't add up.

Anyway, comedy has no absolute value.

Your jokes are sum of the best,

but minus not very funny

because I'm a perfect square.

I halve one, I guess...

but you're too obtuse to get it,

and trying to simplify it

...

and the punchline didn't add up.

Anyway, comedy has no absolute value.

Your jokes are sum of the best,

but minus not very funny

because I'm a perfect square.

I halve one, I guess...

but you're too obtuse to get it,

and trying to simplify it

...

The mathematician says "2"

The Physicist says "2, plus or minus 0.1"

The engineer says "Probably around 2, but let's say 3 to be on the safe side".

The Physicist says "2, plus or minus 0.1"

The engineer says "Probably around 2, but let's say 3 to be on the safe side".

So Muslims decided to hire the Mulla Nasreddin ad agency. The agency worked day and night. But due to strict new laws on false advertizing, regulators rejected most of their proposals. Finally after much thought the agency came up with the following slogans.

Islam, 2/3 less wrong than Christi...

Islam, 2/3 less wrong than Christi...

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

A frog goes into the bank and asks the teller for a loan. The teller tells the frog to see Mr. Paddywack, the loan officer.

Mr. Paddywack looks at the frog and says, "What do you have for collateral? "

The frog pulls out of his pocket a solid silver elephant.

Mr. Paddywack looks at the e...

Mr. Paddywack looks at the frog and says, "What do you have for collateral? "

The frog pulls out of his pocket a solid silver elephant.

Mr. Paddywack looks at the e...

The blondes of America are sick and tired of being made fun of for being air heads. So a group of blondes get together and go to the head of NBC with an idea.

Their idea is a game show where the audience is filled with blondes and the host will call blondes up to the stage at random and ask t...

Their idea is a game show where the audience is filled with blondes and the host will call blondes up to the stage at random and ask t...

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

Credit goes to my Dad for telling me this joke (thanks dad)

A man swims in a lake and passes a sign that says "No swimming beyond this point" The man shrugs it off and keeps swimming in the lake passing the sign. After a little while he feels something grab him by his balls and is dragged und...

A man swims in a lake and passes a sign that says "No swimming beyond this point" The man shrugs it off and keeps swimming in the lake passing the sign. After a little while he feels something grab him by his balls and is dragged und...

when they saw two people get inside a house. After a while they saw three people come out of that same house. The biologist claimed "they have reproduced!", to what the physicist responded "no, I guess our initial measurement had an error, the two people we saw get inside were plus minus one". And t...

They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer.

Each was asked this question during their interview: “How much is two plus two?”

The mathematician answered immediately, “Four.”

The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, “...

Each was asked this question during their interview: “How much is two plus two?”

The mathematician answered immediately, “Four.”

The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, “...

One such example occurred in the 11th century, with the three belligerents being the French, the English (Anglos) and the Vikings. The rivalry between each group was quite intense, and unlike other situations, the two weaker groups at the time did not join together to fight the strongest. Instead, t...

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

"Sorry, that dash was a minus sign. I'm available 9 minus 5. I can start at 4."

"So why didn't you just put 4?"

"Couldn't spell it."

"Get the fuck out of my office."

"So why didn't you just put 4?"

"Couldn't spell it."

"Get the fuck out of my office."

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

...Suddenly he feels a hand from the deep grabbing his balls, and a voice in his head says, "plus two or minus two?"

"Plus two!" - answers the man, not quite sure what is this about. The hand releases his balls and he swims back to the shore. Everything seems to be OK, but when the adrena...

"Plus two!" - answers the man, not quite sure what is this about. The hand releases his balls and he swims back to the shore. Everything seems to be OK, but when the adrena...

My high-school English teacher was well known for being a fair, but hard, grader. One day I received a B minus on a theme paper. In hopes of bettering my grade and in the spirit of the valentine season, I sent her an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with the pre-printed inscription: “BE MI...

All of the blondes in the world decided that they were tired of always being stereotyped as stupid. They wanted to prove to the world that they were just as smart as anyone else. In order to do this, they decided to hold a huge convention and televise it in order to prove their intelligence. As part...

**Georgia**

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,0...

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,0...

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

Minus the blue part.

I should see a doctor.

I should see a doctor.

He received a T minus.

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